Recent content by rooney

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business...

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough and choke. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her. "Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenzie...

OPENING CEREMONY The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned Police van situated on the roof of the stadium. THE EVENTS In previous Olympic Games, East London's...

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under of a car. Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing cricket without a box. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n...

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?" -------------------------- ----- - --------------------------------------- A little...

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to...

A guy walks into a bar and quickly says to the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Damn buddy, are you having a bad day?" The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my brother is gay!" The bartender, feeling bad for the guy, says, "Damn, that is a bad...

paddy is lying in bed with his wife and next doors dog is in the garden barking its t*ts off "RIGHT THATS IT" shouts paddy"IM SICK OF THAT DOG KEEPING ME AWAKE ALL NIGHT AND IM GONNA SORT IT OUT"..10 miniutes later paddy comes back and gets back into bed...his wife says"that was a waste of time...

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed. "The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she...

This is a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.They think so logically. A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She...

Water vs. Wine WATER: It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in faeces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. WINE: We do not run that risk...

1. Okay, okay! I take it back, Unf*ck you. 2. You say I'm a bitch like its a bad thing. 3. Well this day was a total waste of make-up. 4. Well aren't we a damn ray of sunshine? 5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after. 6. Do i look like a people person? 7. This isn't an office. It's...

A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the table that I collected from the letter box earlier...

The 2007 version of I WILL SURVIVE At first I was afraid, I was petrified. When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died! But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on... But there you are, another lie, I was...

Birds and the bees A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees. ?I don?t want to know!? the child says, bursting into tears. ?Promise me you won?t tell me!? Confused, the father asks what?s wrong. ?Oh, dad,? the boy sobs. ?When I was six, I got the ?There?s...